When I started this blog, I only had one thing in my mind. Write professional content, so I can establish myself as a thought leader and advance my career. But now, I think those professional thoughts can wait. I am doing very good professionally for someone who dropped out of his master’s degree and changed his career.
Later this week, I will leave my house(for the nth time) to travel to Goa, India. Planning for this travel made me think about all those times I had left the comfort of my house to travel. And it made me question myself if I am doing this to run away from the people and their expectations of me. While I wrote a blog with my thoughts, I believe it is not as simple as that. And the experiences I had this week made me realize there is more to it. More reasons on why I travel. And as the title of this blog mentions, it has something to do with me distancing myself from my close ones.
Now, before I write in more, I would like to just point out that at this point, I am unsure as to why I have been distancing myself from my family. I was always told that your family is supposed to be there for you, no matter what. Yet, as I got older and became more independent, I guess I became more selfish. Don’t get me wrong. I am not regretting this, nor am I feeling bad. My selfishness is there to just make sure that I prioritize my well being more than anything else. I still got enough left to empathize and care about others. So why I am drifting away from my family. Why do I find it hard to maintain my relationships with friends?
I don’t want to be judged.
Let me be honest! I was lost and confused for most of my life, and I am sure many people might have thought that I was weird. And I agree with their judgement. I am weird. I mean, it is weird not to be weird, right?
We live in a society where we are judged for what we wear, how we look, and how we behave. And I was an introvert who didn’t like meeting new people or talking with strangers for a very long time. While my travels made me comfortable interacting with strangers, I am still an introvert. I don’t know if this is because of this personality trait, but I have developed anxiety about being judged by others. Being the smart ass that I am, I have found a way to avoid this anxiety. Travel often so that I don’t allow anyone to judge me. Atleast not deeply.
But what about my family?
Well, they had a headstart. And for starters, I was not at the best of my behaviour in my childhood. In fact, I still lose my sleep for everything that I did when I was young. And my family witnessed all of these. So every time something happens, all the eyes would turn to me. Even if not, I would just be reminded of every awful deed that I have ever done. So yes, they already made a judgement, and I am not the person they think I am. I am afraid I would keep losing my sleep and having those nightmares if I stayed longer with them.
I am afraid I am not enough for someone.
Let’s be honest. We all have problems. And I can’t solve everything. Sometimes I can’t even get out of my own mess. I’m just trying to do the best I can, but I’m not responsible for solving other people’s problems. At least this is what I say to myself again but feel different. Yes, I know I need to do my best to make a person happy and at peace, but I will never solve their problems. It’s not my responsibility to make them feel good about themselves or fix their problems. I have this voice inside telling me that I need to help my mother or sister or someone else. And I know I can’t solve them, and this makes me angry. And since just being there with them is not an option, I just have a feeling of not being enough for them. I will, and I have disappointed my loved ones over and over again. I can not do this anymore.
Why does it feel like it is my job to make everything perfect, even though I know it is impossible to keep everybody happy all the time. I guess the other person should know that too, right? We need to start thinking that we are enough for someone. That we can’t solve everyone’s problems and that it’s not our responsibility to do so. We need to understand that there is a distance between each other, and what can help people is not appeasing them but understanding the distance between people. Just give me some space.
All this self-loathing apart, I am also fed up with my family for not trusting me, not believing in me, making me feel like an outsider, emotionally blackmailing me, making me feel like I am always wrong and just making my life living hell. But I know the struggles they had to go through to make sure I am where I am today. So the pros and cons are pretty balanced, I guess. This is maybe also I feel like I need to respect them, be grateful but just leave. I want to just disappear from their lives and that of every other person who knows me.
Ok, I know the downsides of emotional distancing and disassociation with others etc. But we disconnect from the people close to us for different reasons. And I have my own. While I will never know if I am making the right decision or now, I just don’t want to wait for something to happen. I mean I have travelled alone for most of my life. How hard would it be to live alone?